To Whom It May Concern

It's been a while since I've felt compelled to write one of these. And generally I try to stay as work-neutral as possible...but this is necessary.

To the Jerk Who Shooshes Me:

Who does this? Who shooshes their coworker who is CONDUCTING business? Oh, that's right. YOU do. You shoosh any conceivable sound that will get between your barritone voice and the boss's ears who hears you mucking it up with your industry contact. We all know the only reason you were hired is because you're From the Industry. However, WHY you would leave a six-figure job to get back into the trenches with peons like us--of which you so clearly love to nonverbally communicate this with your avoidance of any other aspect of your job aside from "schmoozing" said industry people--is beyond us. However, I suspect it may have something to do with you getting FIRED and omitting that from your interview process. Too bad California doesn't allow former employers to rat on your lying, self-important ass. The mistake you've made is you think we're so dotty we didn't actually come from the industry as well, and oh my, actually made FRIENDS we keep in contact with.

I know my laugh is obnoxious. It is, of course, LEGENDARY, but it's a part of my charm. Trust me, I didn't want you for a cube mate any more than you like to deal with my eco-friendly, tree-hugging, dirt-munching druid-reduced light scheme that hurts your eyes. Your stupid neon OPEN sign is dumb in a CUBICLE and too bright for our tiny office spaces.

Screaming over all of us in the office so our boss five offices away can surely hear you, is sufficient enough, so when you're on your personal cell phone laughing it up with your former coworker (of whom, on your speaker phone, sounds like he is pitying you), there is no need for you to roll out of your cube into the middle of the office and project toward the boss's door.

So when I'm trying to talk over YOU so that my customers can hear me, your stink eye, glaring toad-ass does not need to SHOOSH me. We can all hear you. And? Talking to our customers as though they are snot-nosed kindergartners who can barely wipe their asses will not earn you any respect among your colleagues, of which you are so desperately trying for. And everyone is NOT your "buddy", and no, we don't know what you mean when you every other sentence ends with, "know what I mean, buddy?".

Lighten up and stop taking yourself so seriously. The Fart Machine IS funny, everyone does it and pretending as though you are too classy for a little toilet humor just shows how much of an asshat you really are.

And that death metal I play with the woofer turned all the way up? I don't even particularly like it but, yeah, "buddy", that's for YOU. Shoosh me again. I'll bring in rap.  

To Whom It May Concern

To the Litterbugs:

 Imagine a pristine lake, so clear you can see the fish swimming lazily through the cool blue depths, brooks cascading over river-tumbled rocks, their brilliant colors set off by the refreshing crystal water. The whisper of the old moss carpeted trees swaying in the crisp mountain breeze and lush trails riddled with boastful flowers. In a glen there's geese with their goslings, gliding across the glass-like surface of the lake areducks, and the chitter of birds offers a relaxing symphony.

 Now, imagine that beautiful place littered with discarded beer cans, forgotten cigarette butts, dirty old socks shoved under a bush, or broken glass bottles where your children would run along the beach. Also imagine it peppered with inappropriately disposed garbage bags ripped open by wildlife and its contents strewn about. Not a welcoming sight, would you agree?

 This is what welcomed us when we went to Sugar Pine Resevoir near Foresthill, California. When Vin & I scouted the place weeks prior we'd taken out what we could (cans--beer AND soda, old rope and general garbage). When we returned with Sleeping CB and his children to fish, we were offered the wonderful site of carelessly left-behind garbage filled with someone Easter picnic that had been torn apart by the furry residence at Sugar Pine. Littering the path were beer cans, broken bottles, crushed soda cans, old food, clothing, discarded camping gear and old, rain-soaked sleeping bags.

 Really, people? Really?! If you want to continue to enjoy a safe, beautiful jewel in the environment, I suggest you pigs clean up after yourselves. We're not talking DEEP into the forest where it's too hard to trek out the garbage YOU BROUGHT IN. This is FEET, YARDS from the trail entrance. And seriously folks, if you're man enough to bring in all your crap, you're man enough to take it out. It takes one extra moment of THINKING ahead to bring a garbage bag. And, if you're like the idiots who DID think of taking a garbage bag...WALK the extra 10 feet to the GARBAGE CAN and THROW IT AWAY. Don't leave it on the trail entrance hoping someone ELSE is going to clean up after you like this is some urban tract-home set up.

 This is what invites the ecological imbalance of human food into the chain where bears, racoons, or whatever look for our easy scraps to scavange endangering their health and ours. This kind of carelessness is what hikes up the cost of environmental clean upsof already endangered park funds. Parks you clearly like to take advantage of, but don't respect enough not to shit in it so it's ruined for your future use and everyone else around you.

 People like you DISGUST us. People like YOU who result in us, spending our get-away-from-the-city time picking up after YOU in the RAIN so no one else would have to deal with YOUR crap!

Sick of being sick!

So I got dressed, took a shower, and made the bed. Something that hadn't been done in 3 days! But, forget brushing the hair or putting on makeup. Hell no.

To Whom It May Concern

To the People Who Curse the Rain:

Have you noticed a little thing over the last three years? The little thing called a drought? And, have you, People Who Gripe About the Weather, forgotten we need this fundamental element called water? It's what we need to live, water our CROPS with. You know what crops are right? It's those things called VEGETABLES. You only eat meat, you say? Well, do you not realize what YOUR food eats? They eat vegetables. They need it to get fat for you to eat.

This little thing called drought keeps your food from plumping up and eating, which means you have to pay higher prices for your food. That fruit you like to eat? Yeah, it needs water too. Don't you drink water? Don't you take a shower? Yeah, that wet liquid is called water. It comes from the sky AND WE NEED THE RAIN TO PROVIDE THESE THINGS.

Those pools you like to languish beside all summer long and get skin cancer? Yeah, you need water for that too. Oh, you like lakes, instead? Have you not noticed the dismally low levels lately? That's because of that THING we were talking about called DROUGHT.

So, after a three spotty years of drought, don't you dare start whining that you hate the cloudy, rainy, depressing weather. It took three years to get here and we'll be damned if you jinx us and it goes away.

Recessions affect writing, too

The recession hasn't pulled punches with any industry. Across the board everything from porn to manufacturing has suffered serious blows to the bottom line and publishing is no different. I, if you haven't noticed, have a vested interest in this.

While I disagree with bailout plans as I believe survival of the fittest should be the law of any land, financial or natural, I still suffer from a degree of sadness when some of my favorite stores fail. Failure to adapt to our current competitive climate rings a death knell I would have hoped these stores heard loud and clear early enough - but apparently not. One of them was my favorite neighborhood Borders. I loved that store.

I would escape on my lunches to wander the aisles, leisurely read the backs of books, occasionally buy more than I could read in my rare spare time, listen to music and take in the general scholastic vibe. I enjoyed their expansive aisles, tasteful decor and organized shelves. Now, the only bookstore around is Barnes and Nobles. When I go in there I feel like I'm entering a garage sale, or some cluttered basement of someone desperately trying to destash their dust-collecting tomes. The aisles are small and cramped, traffic is impeded by tables heaping ofsale items, staff isn't particularly informative or helpful and it's loud in there. Shelves tower taller than the average person's eye level and creates a claustrophobic atmosphere.

I've resolved to the fact that Amazon is going to be where we purchase books from here on. I don't particularly have a dislike for Amazon, but I enjoy being able to touch, feel and look at the artwork on a book, read the jacket and make decisions that will result in me being able to go home with the book and devour it immediately after purchase. For a literary junkie, waiting from three days up to 3 weeks is torture before being able to crack open a freshly bought book.

The crumbling Borders chain is an indicator to what is going on behind the scenes. I subscribe to several literary blogs (authors, editors and literary agents) and you'd be surprised at how much turmoil the publishing business is in right now. Has the recession affected your book purchasing habits? It hasn't mine. In fact, when entertainment and other luxurious are too expensive, a book isa cheap vacation to a thrilling story or a beautiful far away place and interesting characters. But, apparently the recession has severely affected publishing houses.

While trying to sell my own novels, I've discovered a politer than usual rejection letter - that the current market isn't accepting acquisitions at this time. Further investigation into the blogs of the aforemention industry people offer a dim glimmer into the fading world of book-publishing. Editorial houses are consolidating or merging, which has meant huge layoffs for editors and publishers alike. Additionally, because these houses are freezing acquisitions of new novels and playing it safe with established authors (and insulting our intelligence in the process), literary agents and agencies have clients, but no sales. Agents have been laid off as well in the wake of this trend - which means fewer agents for unpublished authors like me.

Established agents assure it's a trend that will pass, like the recession, but other watchdog groups suggest a dark gloam that has yet to settle over publishing. With the average reader accepting media trends like Kindle or online e-books at a cheaper cost for most reading material, it's no wonder why big box stores are struggling. Gone is the day of the author able to live full-time on the proceeds of their advance from their published novel, unless you have a huge marketing budget, loyal fan base,and endorsements like Stephen King, Stephanie Meyer or JK Rowling to name a few. Which is fine, because most authors write to tell a story, not make a dollar. And, if an author is in the business to make money, chances are what they're writing isn't anything worth reading that will make you think, make a difference or serve a purpose.

With every challenge, success lies in the ability to adapt. Where the industry isn't adapting, the author must. On the front page of New York Times last week I saw an article about the plight the publishing industry is facing, and in turn what other aspect was booming - self-publishing. Self publishing offers a forum for authors to edit, proof and printtheir own books with the help of websites like Lulu.com. Reasonably priced and also offering an outlet to sell and market one's own books, Lulu provides an answer to the struggling writer. Skipping the soul-ripping and ego-deflating writer-agent query process and the arduous political game of editor boards -going straight to publishing on demand - if the author can afford it - is a quick fix to getting published. A cult following and elitist self-published author readers help cushion the shock of flat sales. Knowing how to sell your story helps in this process by grabbing cross-genre readers.

However, author beware.If an author takes advantage of such resource, the rights are lost if the author wishes to approach a publishing house to print after-the-fact for reasons such as sales aren't what the author thought it should/would be.Publishing and editorial houses like first crack and, of course, exclusivity to a story. Also, be sure to read ALL the fine print - as some self-publishing sites actually require a writer to sign over the rights of the story and only receive royalties based on sales.

Ultimately, times are changing. The publishing industry is starting to adapt during crisis, the reader is welcoming more technological advanced trends and writers now have options. Will I continue to attempt to sell my stories through the conventional method? Perhaps. Will I try out self publishing? Maybe.