To Whom It May Concern

It's been a while since I've felt compelled to write one of these. And generally I try to stay as work-neutral as possible...but this is necessary.

To the Jerk Who Shooshes Me:

Who does this? Who shooshes their coworker who is CONDUCTING business? Oh, that's right. YOU do. You shoosh any conceivable sound that will get between your barritone voice and the boss's ears who hears you mucking it up with your industry contact. We all know the only reason you were hired is because you're From the Industry. However, WHY you would leave a six-figure job to get back into the trenches with peons like us--of which you so clearly love to nonverbally communicate this with your avoidance of any other aspect of your job aside from "schmoozing" said industry people--is beyond us. However, I suspect it may have something to do with you getting FIRED and omitting that from your interview process. Too bad California doesn't allow former employers to rat on your lying, self-important ass. The mistake you've made is you think we're so dotty we didn't actually come from the industry as well, and oh my, actually made FRIENDS we keep in contact with.

I know my laugh is obnoxious. It is, of course, LEGENDARY, but it's a part of my charm. Trust me, I didn't want you for a cube mate any more than you like to deal with my eco-friendly, tree-hugging, dirt-munching druid-reduced light scheme that hurts your eyes. Your stupid neon OPEN sign is dumb in a CUBICLE and too bright for our tiny office spaces.

Screaming over all of us in the office so our boss five offices away can surely hear you, is sufficient enough, so when you're on your personal cell phone laughing it up with your former coworker (of whom, on your speaker phone, sounds like he is pitying you), there is no need for you to roll out of your cube into the middle of the office and project toward the boss's door.

So when I'm trying to talk over YOU so that my customers can hear me, your stink eye, glaring toad-ass does not need to SHOOSH me. We can all hear you. And? Talking to our customers as though they are snot-nosed kindergartners who can barely wipe their asses will not earn you any respect among your colleagues, of which you are so desperately trying for. And everyone is NOT your "buddy", and no, we don't know what you mean when you every other sentence ends with, "know what I mean, buddy?".

Lighten up and stop taking yourself so seriously. The Fart Machine IS funny, everyone does it and pretending as though you are too classy for a little toilet humor just shows how much of an asshat you really are.

And that death metal I play with the woofer turned all the way up? I don't even particularly like it but, yeah, "buddy", that's for YOU. Shoosh me again. I'll bring in rap.