The Shallow, the Exhibitionists and the High-Maintenance

You know what? I don’t get bloggers sometimes. As a fellow blogger I understand that whatever I post can potentially be read by my boss, fellow co-workers, and family members – whatever. The point to remember is that if you don’t want it printed on the front page of the national paper, don’t write it, right?

Blogging requires some talent in writing. But, I don’t care how talented the average person may be, it is extremely difficult to portray the right sentiment within text. Usually emotion and expression is not translated well, as anyone can attest to who has read a questionable email and pondered, “Did that bitch really mean to make it sound so condescending?” Most likely, the usual sarcasm is lost because text is so – well, TEXT.

At times, when we blog about the mundane, you HAVE to exaggerate to make it seem MILDLY entertaining. Otherwise, you just have a dry recount of how Vin & I painted the living room, rather than the plot consisting of conflict (oh my gosh, how do I choose colors based on ONE SQUARE INCH SWATCH?!), suspense (HOLY CRAP, that’s red! Is it going to be okay?!), and finally, the climax… (ah… it’s JUST perfect!).

And, at times, when one blogs, perhaps the personalities of the people are hidden in that dry humor and the blog creates characters unto themselves who people are interested in. It is oft times the alter-ego appears as an all-knowing narrator and can write with such charisma, grabs the readers into returning again and again. No matter if the material they’re reading is as dumb as a work-related rant or idiot-provoked dumb neighbor story. Or, the favorites – furious writing about a retail incident. Never blog angry!

But what I don’t get are the bloggers who I wonder if are truly the shallow, exhibitionist, high-maintenance ego-maniacal people they blog to be. Look at that, a made-up word that I just verbed. Is verbed a word? Well, it is now. Anyway… But, yeah. Are they?

Take into consideration Exhibit A) (I’d link the actual website, but I don’t believe in passive aggressive defaming of one’s on-line character, so it’ll be done here, in non-mentioned passive aggressive fashion), if you will. To us, first impressions are everything. From body language, to attire, to facial expressions and inflections in the voice – Vin & I are very keen on picking up every tiny idiosyncrasy one may have no control over and WE JUDGE THEM FOR IT. Actually, I’m probably speaking for myself here, I JUDGE THEM FOR IT. Vin always gives people the benefit of the doubt.

Exhibit A, is someone who feels like she is the online world’s answer to Oprah. She’ll tell you the latest and greatest on all types of skin care (I admit, I did this recently as a review-only), overdress for a Renaissance Revival dinner and then bitch about how horrid it is (despite her husband’s desire to attend) as if this makes her a) funny, b) interesting or c) educated, despite being a lawyer. Yes, she’s a lawyer. She also feels she needs to post pictures of herself performing Pilates exercises so you know to properly do them (as if we’re too stupid to let A PROFFESIONAL WITH A PROFESSIONALLY PRODUCED DVD tell us) and also be let in on her secret to skinny-ness. And, just to prove how shallow and materialistic she could be, she offers you a sneak-peek into the many fashion forward (see, Nieman-Marcus) trend-victims she portrays herself to be with a side bar of expensive things her husband must buy her. MUST. Oh, and here’s one for the Hallmarks of Exhibitionism: a daily post about just what is in her purse (with pictures!) and what is in her shower (with pictures!). Apparently she’s never been stalked. Or, perhaps she wishes she was so interesting as to be stalked she’d write them love letters. She attempts to provide helpful hints as though she is the unoriginal Martha Stewart (okay, even MORE unoriginal then the original Martha Stewart) and spread the wealth of knowledge such as: how to pack for a long vacation. Uh, huh. So basically, she regurgitates every article ever posted by Cosmopolitan and takes credit for it. As if we can’t figure out how to save space in luggage for a trip. Well, since we’re not all narcissistic, shallow, high-maintenance ego maniacs who NEED seven bags just for makeup, 8 bags just for dresses and 2 bags just for hair appliances I think your knowledge IS A WASTE OF BANDWIDTH.

Then, there is Exhibit B. From a woman, to other women – here is one rule of thumb to consider when experiencing the miracles of pregnancy. Just because YOU are fascinated by it, does not mean everyone in the world wishes to hear about every excretement your body is dripping, every weird sensation you are experiencing, what the fetus looks like at this point inside your uterus or what you and your gyno discussed on your last appointment. Look, you didn’t think to provide anyone any details at all of the conception of the child, nor do we need know what is going on with your body since. That was very intimate thing for you and your partner to experience – let’s keep it that way. Unless someone is directly involved with the rearing or birthing of this child no one else needs to know or, cares – we’re just too polite to tell you to shut up.

Exhibit B is a woman who feels necessary to air any dirty laundry she, her husband or her child possess. From arguments about how she and her things are more important than her husband’s and his things, to how she cries from said argument down the street feeling like an idiot that people are staring (really? What else did you think they’d do?!), to how her child isn’t as developed as others in her mommy group (and not thinking it has anything do with her, but rather her husband’s genes), and finally to yes – all things about her pregnancies.

Fascinating people. Really. So, you might think, what makes you so different Skinny Monkey? The truth is – nothing, other than we severely filter and offer discretion. There is no precociousness in how we post – if you’re interested, great! If not, sod off. But mostly, the front page to our blog is for our family and friends who we don’t get to see as often as we like, for people who don’t get to catch up with as much as we would like. There is no megahorn attached at our mouths for attention. We do not provide information as if you’re too stupid to figure out things on your own. If we’ve tried something, we offer a review so that one who is doing research on said thing, whether it is a movie or a product, can have a more educated decision when choosing. We don’t assume you need someone to tell you what to buy because you couldn’t survive if your ancestors hadn’t discovered fire or the wheel.

So, with that being said have you caught on to our diabolical plan yet? The front page is for rainbows and wagging puppy dog tails. The rest, especially this page – is all about our sarcastic cynicism! Welcome!

To Whom It May Concern

To Whomever Writes Idiotic Television Commercials:

Do you not live in the real world? We understand you must exaggerate to get your point across about your fantastic product or service. We know you're trying to portray your company as the premier company by which we should shun all others. However, I do wonder if you've ever had a relatable experience in your life.  Is everything so completely rose-colored in your world that your unrealistic depiction of insurance companies and the relationship with their policy holders is what you think actually happens in the event of a collision?

First of all, you have the camera point of view of that of the driver's. Okay, this puts the viewer in the driver's seat. No pun intended. Driving along, peaceful, light traffic and clear visibility. The only sound is that of the tires on the road. Masculine looking hands at ten and two. Two things wrong with this. The cab of the vehicle is quiet. In the real world? Radio blaring, or blue tooth in the ear gabbing along would be more realistic. Second, hands at ten and two? Who drives this way? And maybe  a third thing - a downtown setting in the middle of the day with no traffic? Highly implausible.

And then, a jolt! From behind! This certainly can't be good! The frame blurs out and this ridiculous script scrawls across the screen: What just happened?

Some asshole just hit you while you were DRIVING. You weren't even STOPPED! Asshole!

And then, there's calm shifting into park and then more ridiculous script scrawling across the screen: Am I okay?

No, I certainly wouldn't be okay! I'd be bloody pissed! And I'd be flying out of my car right about now wanting to know what the hell the other driver's been smoking to HIT ME WHILE WE'RE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD!

Then, there's a picture of the driver in the rear-view mirror. The one the viewer is supposed to be identifying with - and IT'S A WOMAN WITH MAN HANDS! Then, in a cinematic attempt meant only as what I'm assuming to be "dazed" the "driver" looks over her shoulder at - uhm, NOTHING because the camera man can't seem to swivel to look at the idiot who supposedly rear ended the car and yet MORE ridiculous script is scrawled across the screen: Is the other driver okay?

Who the fuck cares? They just hit you! In one of the stupidest collisions ever! They better be by MY window making sure I am okay at this point!

And then the driver gets (with her man hands) her cellphone and dials someone - who? Maybe the ridiculous writer of this commerical.

Who rushes to her aid? The insurance company. What?! What country is this? This surely can't be North America. Because if you call your insurance company you're sent a tow truck and a police officer.

Seriously, was the writer's strike so bad that commercials nowadays are being written by scabs? Well, at least it wasn't Billy Mays screaming at us through the screen.

If you're an animal lover you'll read this...

Sometimes, to raise awareness you have to hear terrible things. Sometimes, to make a difference you have to bear through the ugly.  This is a sad story, but if you are an animal lover and want to make a difference you'll boycott this product.  Just take a small moment to read it. If you have as much of a big heart as Vin & I do, you don't have to play the videos or look at the pictures - just please read the message about the product.

Blog for thought

So, blogging to the open public: Is it narcissistic exhibitionism in assuming that anyone and everyone in the ether cares enough to click on our link to read about such mundane crap like how to bake brownies, or stories as amusing as watching someone’s slides of their vacation? Or is it that we are a voyeuristic people who secretly enjoy peeking into the “privacy” of strangers like virtual peeping Toms? Usually when we blog (and by we I mean ya’ll bloggers), it is for a purpose (or is it just inane rambling?), to update a select target audience (family) – as an aside, you can make parameters so only select people have viewer access to your blogs, but that requires memberships by readers and other technobabble crap most people don’t want to mess with – or because they are, in fact, exhibitionists and think they’re important enough that strangers (stalkers) actually care.

For me, my humor is usually very acerbic, sometimes cynical and dry but very sarcastic in a way that can hurt people’s feelings without even trying. It’s a flaw that Vin has pointed out and, with maturity, that I realized isn’t always very funny in hindsight. It’s like schaudenfreudianly pointing and laughing at the girl who walks out of the bathroom with her dress tucked into her pantyhose, and not telling her as she walks down the hallway when she’s actually a very nice girl (because, admit it, the mean girl DESERVES it).

Since I’ve been focusing on keeping a neutral tone that’s upbeat, they may not be very entertaining anymore but the blogs do have a purpose. To update the blogs taking into consideration everyone’s feelings and the target audience – this is our first impression. Our impression to the public, to our family of our online personas. Never post something you wouldn’t share openly with anyone, never post something that would make anyone uncomfortable with the whole world knowing, always read twice and put yourself in someone else’s shoes, don’t use it as a ranting board. If you have something to rant about – email it to only to the ones who understand you, and – check your ego at the log-in. Everyone has an ego, and egos are like giant open wounds. Their ugly and raw and easily irritated. If one believes themselves important enough to force a close-minded opinion in a blog without the room for open dialogue, debate and thought – pretty soon you’ll have only an audience of one – yourself.

So, we may not always blog a lot. They take time to think about and to write up in an entertaining manner, but they are there for you. To think about, debate about and talk about. My question to you, internet is: why do you blog? What is your purpose? Who is your target audience? And, in a world of a million voices in the ether – do you think yours matters?

Why Does Being Green Take So Much Green?

Vin & I try our best to be as green conscious as possible. We recycle, reduce, reuse, compost and try to limit our carbon footprint as much as possible. Conservation counts and we can all do our part by being aware of little things. Lights off, carpool, don’t run the AC so low it never shuts off in the summer. Much to Ferris’ complaint we usually don’t run the AC below 78º - and sometimes 80º, to conserve energy and reduce waste – and it’s never on when we’re not home. Maybe that’s why Ferris’ kitty brain is fried.

Vin’s been researching biofuels, of which the byproduct of that would help with an essential part of making soap – glycerin. We’re planning on self sustainability and low impact living eventually. We’ve researched solar and will, eventually make that investment, which brings me to my question. Why does it take SO much green to be green? For instance, I was reading in a magazine an exceptionally novel idea of compostable disposable dinnerware such as biodegradable plates, forks, spoons and knives. Vin & I use paper plates (a horrible landfill filler, I know – but we recycle! Still no good, though) and we could benefit from the compostable ones. Also, I researched biodegradable toilet paper since we have a septic tank and paper towels. It’s not unlike the paper items you’d take on a camping trip or stock your RV with – they dissolve quickly. I also found biodegradable sink scrubbers with a loofah scouring pad.

Ya’ll, I’m still in a state of shock. For instance, one of the particular sites I’ve been researching is greenhome.com. They have items available for a minimum of bulk. I haven’t decided yet if they do this to drive the cost down, but a package of 48 rolls of 300 sheets of toilet paper costs $30 which puts each roll at $1.60. Normally rolls of 500 sheet toilet paper is about $.50 a roll. Do you see my dilemma? Not only do you get a YEAR'S worth of overpriced toilet paper, but you have to now find a place to store it. The scouring pad? It’s $2.40 a sponge, where as your regular nuclear blast-surviving cello sponge is about $.20 a sponge. This is all without tax or shipping costs…

Investing in alternative fuels can run a person anywhere from $1000 - $8000 with consideration of purchase of vehicle to equipment (depending on how complex or sophisticated you like) and, if you’re harvesting your own product, such as sunflowers or palm kernels it can cost quite a bit more. Solar? Wind? Tens of thousands of dollars and your return on investment, other than the immediate gratification of feeling good for doing the right thing, can be a minimum of 5 – 7 years in energy savings. Purchasing a hybrid or an electronic vehicle, after factoring out future warranty costs, what is your short term versus long term savings? It can be 3 – 5 years before the return is seen. But, the ultimate idea is to show the alternatives ARE there, the demand on non-renewable resources is suddenly lessened which further drives down the prices consumers pay and the production of such products like your plastic grocery bags when you bring in your own.

So, internet, what do YOU do to conserve our planet and do the “green thing”? Do you consider the cost when changing your lifestyle to green? Or do you only reduce, reuse and recycle when its convenient. Do you make a conscious effort? Do you feel you’re making a difference? And would you pay 320% more for household items just because it MAY make a difference?

Perhaps this is why it's so hard for so many to switch or actively make an effort - it costs too much to care.